This is my bathroom. This is where the magic happens. Brown and yellow magic.
There are nicer bathrooms, sure. Bathrooms that make you almost glad you have diarrhea. For the record, I’ll never be able to spell diarrhea without googling “Diarreah”. My spelling sounds more like a white trash girl’s name.
Now my bathroom is certainly no Taj Mahal. There are no Indian people in it. It wasn’t blown up in Mars Attacks. It’s just a place that I go to “do the biz (sunglass emoji)” as they say. And may I add that business is good. (two sunglass emojis)
What do I mean by that?
I mean that I’m regular.
Bathrooms go by many names
- The potty
- The loo
- The toilet house
- Johnny Appleseed’s Think Tank
- The Olive Garden
- The Out House
- Santa Lucia’s Orphanarium
- The Dookie Disco
- Vinny Testeverde’s
- The Liquid Lounge
- The Whiz Palace
I don’t know why bathrooms have to be so nice. You’re always looking down, either at your urine stream (if you’re a guy. Or an adventurous woman) or your phone (if you’re most people).
I do most of my liking in the bathroom. Get a like on Instagram? That’s probably me pooping. Get a fav on your tweet? That’s me working things out.
I don’t mean to be gross. I’m just showing off a picture of my Whiz Palace.
To borrow from The Rifleman’s Creed:
- This is my Whiz Palace. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
- My Whiz Palace is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
- Without me, my Whiz Palace is useless. Without my Whiz Palace, I am useless. I must fire my Whiz Palace true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will…
- (that part got real heavy)
- My Whiz Palace and I know that what counts in war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit…
- (IT’S THE HITS THAT COUNT!)
- My Whiz Palace is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will keep my Whiz Palace clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will…
- (I WILL KEEP MY WHIZ PALACE CLEAN! with Clorox Disinfecting Wipes!)
- Before God, I swear this creed. My Whiz Palace and I are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.
- (PREACH ON!)
- So be it, until victory is America’s and there is no enemy, but peace!
- Butt piece.
- BUTT. PIECE!