Hillary Clinton = Mike Mularkey
An uninspiring retread with a track record of incompetence. A stopgap until the wealthy oligarchs decides who should lead the franchise.
Ted Cruz = Chip Kelly
A loose cannon who’s going to try and shake things up within the system. Probably racist.
Bernie Sanders = Tom Coughlin
Ruddy cheeked and susceptible to skin illnesses, this firebrand bucks convention and gets results. Old as fuck.
Donald Trump = Rex Ryan
A wild card who shoots from the hip and makes a ton of mistakes. Probably does weird stuff with feet.
Chris Christie = Andy Reid
Makes strange decisions and doesn’t respond well to pressure. High blood pressure.