Fantastic F***

Fantastic F***

The recent box office failure of 20th Century Fox’s “Fantastic Four” reboot sent ripples throughout the entire entertainment industry.  No sector of Hollywood felt the sting of the movie’s failure more than the world of adult films.  Production of the porn parody version of Fantastic Four was halted in pre-production due to the lack of interest in the film it was set to parody.  Tentatively titled “Fantastic Fuck” the film was set to feature porn versions of some of Marvel’s most beloved and recognizable characters.

The Thing would have been called “The Things”.  Whereas The Thing is a man comprised entirely of rocks, “The Things” would be comprised entirely of cocks.  The CGI budget for that character alone was set to cost just under 2 million dollars.

Looking for ways to cut budget in other areas, the producers decided to do some stunt casting and not hire anyone to portray The Invisible Girl.  Instead, relying on that character’s sex partners to go method and really sell the act of having sex with nothing.

Mr. Fantastic was set to take the porno world by storm with his expanding and shape shifting penis.  Computer artists were already working on mockups of the penis turning into a hammer, an oscillating fan and a trumpet. 

fantastic hammer
Yuri Golsen’s renderings of Mr. Fantastic’s hammer penis

No one was more disappointed by the box office failure of Fantastic Four more than renowned computer effects magician Yuri Golsen whose credits include “There’s a Giant Pussy in the Sky”, “Train Cock” and “Cock a Doodle Blew” the story of a cartoonist’s chicken character who comes to life and blows its creator.


“It was always my dream to create a phallus that could become anything,” said Golsen. “A hammer, a dodo bird, a tree.  The only limit to what I could have had that cock turn into was my imagination.  And as viewers of Cock a Doodle Blew can tell you, my imagination is limitless.”

The human torch was going to be portrayed by a dead guy lit on fire.