Conversations with a Virtual Assistant

I’m trying to buy a roundtrip ticket to New York but because Amtrak.com is run by a lobotomized chimp, it is proving to be more difficult than it ever needed to be.  So in comes Julie: Amtrak’s “virtual assistant”.

virtual assistant

Certainly this plucky gal can help me solve my locomotive misfortune!

But alas, Julie has problems.  Severe emotional problems that I can only assume are the result of an abusive relationship with her alcoholic and moody boyfriend: The Shadowy “Amtrak Man”.

amtrak man
Who the fuck are you, bro?

I tried to talk to Julie, not just to solve my problem but to maybe help her with hers, but sometimes people don’t want your help.  Sometimes, Julie, you have to hit bottom to reach for a hand up.  Below is my conversation with my weary virtual assistant.  Her assistance may be virtual, but her struggle is all too real.

conversations with a virtual assistant

Godspeed, Julie.  Maybe you’ll get to where you need to go.  And maybe I’ll end up in New York.  And when you look up at that New York City skyline and see the Empire State Building glowing in the night sky from in between two swollen-shut eyes, you think of me.  Because as I look out over the Hudson and see an eastbound train heading nowhere, I’ll think of you.