Nobody likes getting their ass kicked. But what would make getting your ass kicked even worse? Listening to the wrong song while it’s happening. Here is a list of the five worst songs to be listening to on headphones while you’re getting your ass kicked.
#5. SMASHMOUTH “You’re an Allstar”
Having this song on your iPod was an invitation to disaster in the first place. Sooner or later, you knew something terrible would happen. That day has come.
#4. Katrina and the Waves “Walking on Sunshine”
Besides having one of the most oddly prescient band names of all time, Katrina and the Waves wrote a song that is the perfect recipe for flailing your arms and legs like a spaz while wearing acid wash denim parachute pants. But after the beatdown, you’ll be throwing away your parachute pants and donning a poncho (for all of your tears…and for the flood).
#3. Gordon Lightfoot “If You Could Read My Mind”
First of all, this song is depressing as shit. Now imagine lying on the ground as tiny latina women beat the shit out of you. The despair achieved would make Dante blush.
#2. Miami Sound Machine “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You”
The infectious rhythms of the Miami Sound Machine will never be the same after this beatdown. Where once the drummer’s 30 piece drum set was the sound of polyrhythmic joy, they will now be indelibly linked to the percussive thuds of a million little fists.
#1. Tina Turner “Simply the Best”
This song is about being the best. But after this beatdown? It’s going to be hard to associate the positive lyrics of Ms. Turner with anything but what that poor woman went through at the hands of her first husband, Ike.