10 Ways to Avoid Christmas
Christmas. It’s a holiday for bringing families together to celebrate the birth of Christ by sharing gifts and love. But what about if you don’t want to do any of that?
What if Christmas is a time of year filled with anxiety, depression and deep, deep loathing? Well if that’s the case, here are 10 Ways to Avoid Christmas.
Develop a Drinking Problem
Nothing says “Don’t invite me” quite like a debilitating drinking problem. Even if you don’t have one, ramp it up for the Holidays. Force your friends and family to decide between a celebration or an intervention. My guess is most would rather wait til after the holidays to get real.
Order some Chinese food and watch that Netflix thing you’ve been meaning to watch. That Aziz Ansari thing? I hear that’s good. What about those nature documentaries you hear people blabbing on about? Maybe that series about that anti-hero? It’s all yours for the viewing!
(Pretend to) Volunteer
Tell friends and family that you’re going to learn about the true spirit of the holiday by volunteering. Say you’re going to Africa to dig a well or something. Really rub everyone’s nose in it and then ask them condescendingly what they’re doing, then smile and nod and say how you wish you had time to do things like that. Then go home and sleep through Christmas.
Go on a solo vacation someplace warm and take LOTS of pictures. Post updates daily on social media with captions saying “Wish I was there!” with some sort of tongue wagging emoji.
Boycott for “Environmental Reasons”
And be a real dick about it too. When you see a Christmas tree leading up to the holidays, loudly complain about “what a waste” it is to cut down a tree to keep in your house for a few weeks.
Go to the Movies
Maybe Star Wars? See it a bunch of times and then spoil it for everyone you meet. Talk about how it’s the greatest story ever told, better than the story of Jesus even! If anyone challenges you say “Luke Skywalker had more to deal with…” Or if you really want to send a message, see the remake of Point Break on opening day (Christmas Day) and make long-winded and nuanced comparisons between the original and the remake. Talk about how you were able to see it a few times because all of the ushers had the day off for Christmas.
Drink a ton of NyQuil and eat a bottle of Percocet. Put a tarp in a corner, put some Enya on the iPod and wake up when the madness has passed.
Attempt to Assassinate Al Roker
You don’t want to actually kill Al Roker, just wound him. Use either a dull knife or an Airsoft rifle to maim the weather man. Spend the holidays in jail with other great thinkers like yourself. Problem solved.
Fake your own death
Dress a pig in your favorite sweater and roll your car into ravine and light it on fire. Throw away your cell phone, assume a new identity and start a new life. Poof! No more Christmas!
Convert to Judaism
Look, all religions are stupid so who cares if you switch sides? It’s like Wade Boggs becoming a Yankee or Cat Stevens becoming a Muslim. Ride the Kosher Train™ all the way to New Years and then REPENT, good lord repent, back into JC’s good graces.